I love to write. I have kept a journal ever since I can remember and blogging is kind of like my grown up journal.
Lately, I have so much to say. But it just kind of gets stuck in my throat.
Will I say too much?
Will this help someone else?
Will my heart ever be healed enough to tell my story?
For the last several years I have walked through some really sad and heart-wrenching times. Times where I truly didn’t understand and that threw my world all around. I failed to understand people. My family. My own flesh and blood.
How do I deal with situations that cause me so much grief? Gosh, I just need it fixed! I need my people to be okay.
I would let myself be upset- mad, sad, numb. I would then make a plan to “fix it”. Then I would go forward with my plan. Hoping that maybe this time hearts would be mended. Maybe this time we would understand each other. Maybe this time I would be told the truth. Maybe this time I would be accepted for the woman I have become. Maybe this time they would just love me.
I never got this time.
So, finally, my heart and mind had enough. I took some time away from the mess- the disaster really. I allowed myself to focus on my husband and my kids. To try to make a life that my kids would be blessed by. To be a wife who wasn’t always so drained from giving so much to people who threw it all back.
And I got better. I needed that time away to process. To give myself some space. To see the world as it is and not through the black lens of emotional abuse and turmoil. No one deserves that.
And at the end of the day when you make hard decisions like not speaking to your family, you must do it, not out of spite. not to make a point. not to win. not to force anyone to do anything. but because you know you truly did all you could. that your heart was never set on making them pay for the wrong they did against your soul-maybe intentionally and maybe not- but to be kind to yourself. to know yourself.
and to be confident that who you are is okay.
That your heart is good despite what people may tell you. That no matter the whispers about you behind your back, you know you. And that life isn’t about making everyone see that you. Because some people will never care no matter how hard you work to show them.
and they don’t deserve you.
After having Anders, I was once again reminded how much love I have for my kids. And that truly nothing they could do would ever make me close my doors or my heart to them. And so when I, as a parent, see other parents choose to treat their children with very little respect and even less love, I just wonder.
About this world.
About how people can get so wrapped up in themselves that no one else matters. Not even their own people- their tribe. I like that term because it means you fight with each other not against each other. But we aren’t a tribe.
It’s okay. actually it isn’t.
I can’t lie and tell you it’s okay. Because it is mind blowing. My heart physically hurts and my mind fails to comprehend. In the car, cleaning, listening to music, looking at my kids, changing diapers, my poor weary heart wonders how we got here. Could I have done something different?
So where do you go from there?
Forward. Or maybe…just tread water for a little while.
but I can never go back.
Because I know myself.
And maybe one day people will change.
But today, I have been told, is not the day.
I question God more than ever these days. To be honest, the thought of going into church makes me- well, i’m just not up for it. Not because I don’t love my church but because unpacking my baggage on the pews every Sunday is too painful. I don’t know what to pray. I don’t know what to think. Dave says, “do you believe in hell?” Yes. “Do you believe in Heaven?” I hope so. Then he said, “I hope that one day you can have the answers you need.”
That’s all I need really. Is time to sort out this mess. To know how to tell my children about love and God and heaven and hell. So say a prayer for my weary heart. For peace, and answers.
I need this time.
And to all of you going through tremendous heartache- no matter what it may be- you are in my prayers because sometimes that’s all we need. Someone to pray us through another day.