10 Ways You Know You are Living with a Toddler

Bathroom breaks- You know you do it- you notice they are totally engrossed(I hate that word) in playing with their trains or dolls and you just KNOW that they won’t notice your absence. You are stuck in this weird decision to tip toe without making a noise to the nearest facilities OR run like you are being chased by a pack of wolves…I generally choose the latter.

Expert negotiator– I WILL be adding this to my resume soon. This 2 year old business is no joke. I am fairly confident I could get a job at the U.N. negotiating with world leaders after I am done with this kid. I have talked him out of nearly knocking our new fish off the dresser, not pouring bleach all over the clothes, explained why it is not appropriate to leap out of the cart to his death in the store, and why it is not okay to throw the entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet etc… All of these suck my energies on a daily basis.

Family food– Food is not my own anymore. That starbucks drink you love so much? Yeah so does the squawking kid in the backseat. I mean, HOW DO THEY KNOW!? “Look kid, just because I get to eat whatever I want whenever I want doesn’t mean you do too…” as I hand it over for “Just one sip!” (famous last words my friends.)

Crisis mode– I don’t care if you have a boy or a girl, although I’m sure a girl will still take the cake on this everytime- e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is a crisis. Crocodile tears and the poochy lip are turned in 2 seconds flat. The world is ending and someone needs to fix it now. You know, big things like not being able to find the 29th choo-choo train somewhere in the house. Or he wants to brush his teeth and NOW! Or my personal favorite as of late, not letting him put his lunch in his water cup. How could I?! I am such a fun-sucker…

Diapers– For the first 18 months or so of my kids life I didn’t care about changing his diapers. They are babies, helpless and unable to take care of themselves. Well, that has worn off my friends. I never want to change another diaper again. Ever. Alas, he is 2, and telling him to “pull his own weight” doesn’t seem to make sense to him. And my husband saying to him the other night, “Alright buddy this is the last pack of diapers we are buying and then you are on your own.” Good one.

Potty training– I hate the phrase. Almost as much as I hate changing diapers. I mean I’m sorry but the prospect of cancelling 3 days of my work and social calendar to attend to my child’s peeing and pooping habits make me want to vomit. I literally get nauseous thinking about it. I will be saying things like, “Just pee on the cheerio” and “If you poop on the potty we will go get ice cream”. But I refuse to give you all a play by play on facebook, don’t worry.  It’s all just a bit much for me at the moment. Maybe when he is 5? Kidding….

Toys– I’ve decided to not let the kid celebrate another birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, or Valentines day until our toy collection goes down SIGNIFICANTLY. And somehow, thanks to the grace of God, I finally came to terms with the fact that the moment you pick every toy up and put it in that toy bin, those little suckers will march right over there and dump them all out. It’s cruel and unusual. But, it’s just a fact of life just as much as going through 3 shirts a day and a bad attitude are.

Bedtime- In my head, angels are singing and harps playing as I watch my husband take our son to bed for their bedtime routine(no I am NOT invited). But what is really going on is my child screaming, wailing, saying, “more kisses momma”, “no bed”, “watch TT(tv) minute”, “no dadda no”.  Dude, lay off the dramatics. It’s bedtime, not the eve of your execution.

Alarm system– Who needs it!? If I don’t go around and pick every last lego, train, car, crayon or bucket before going to bed (and let’s get real….I don’t!) Then let me tell you no one is making is past the front door alive. And if by some miracle they dodged the landmines in our living room, once in our room they would be toast. The other night I literally almost killed myself on the airplane on wheels placed next to the tin bucket at the foot of my bed. No need to sleep with one eye open in this house…if you make it to your own bed.

Just laugh– I laugh. All the time. I never reallyyy understood the saying “I laugh to keep from crying”until this little boy entered my world.  Most days I am so worn down and to keep from winning Worst Mother of the Year Award I just sit around and laugh. Like a crazy person. Maybe I am crazy? My husband comes home from a day at the office and asks why I am laughing at whatever silly or rotten thing my 2 year old is doing. I look at him with loving/weary eyes and say, “It’s all I can do anymore”. Just laugh. The constant butt wiping, lunch making, laundry doing, and crisis averting we moms do all day is just not given enough credit.

–I do love my little boy to the moon and back but I was sitting back pondering all of this while on a quiet drive ALONE to the store last week and I figured I would share it for my fellow moms. You are not alone!

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